…so

i was clickin through some old songs yester/today and i got ta thinkin..i should make an EP out of stuff that didnt make it to WET.PLUG.TRIP

and speakin of…i came across this – which i made in Sept. 06 it would seem..anyway..check it out, and leave thoughts if you’re so inclined. (not to mention it sums me up pretty well methinks..)

-sah

p.s.~> love this.

Sah Ril (hip hop –newark)
Mt. Mckinley (indie –summit)
The Squid (local –hardcore)
A Fucking Elephant (brunswick -experimetal)
Human Ashtray (bronx)

$3
ALL AGES – NO ALCOHOL
friendsofdonquixote@gmail.com

@Meatlocker
aka 8 Underground
8 Park St
Montclair NJ

Tonight is the last night I will spend in this bedroom. It’s not the only bedroom I’ve had in this house, but when we first moved to Newark (14 years ago), this was originally my room.

Today was a pretty nice day. It started at 7 and I only had 3 hours of sleep, but I wouldnt trade this day for the world (actually, I remarked to my boy bash today “…alot can get done in the day when you get up early!!..” -duh, i know…). With few interruptions (and relatively fast) I got 90% of what I needed in my new apartment, into my apartment. By now (3:34am) – my studio is setup…my living room is “arranged”, my bedroom “arranged”…blah blah blah…i mean: i’m in. It’s nice. Sometimes (when I improperly focus on others I know) I feel tremendously behind schedule – only now (at 24) moving into my first place, but I know better. I have my reasons why this has not happened until now, and you know- I think I’m better suited for this now, than if I’d let impatience or “the rush to be grown” get the best of me at an earlier age. I’m only moving a few blocks down the street from where I currently stay (thus, where my parents live) but still…feels good to feel the weight of my life sink heavier into my hands. Alot of things have happened this year. Alot of changes and interesting developments- not all of them “easy”- but none of them I feel ill towards or regret (now that i think of it, what good is “things being easy” anyway?).

By tomorrow I will be in a new house, and a new life- considering other recent developments. A week or so from now, I will have a new job (still working for the same company, but in a new dept) – one closer to what I’ve devoted my life to studying, and when I think of it all, it’s kind of overwhelming…but not the bad kind of overwhelming…the nice kind. It interesting (to say the least). Both of these changes are happening around the same time, and my eagerness to “greet” this change has brought a couple of thing into perspective. One thing in particular, however:

This past year, I’ve read a few books ranging from economics and e-commerce to the nature of the spiritual universe (the only universe if you ask me) and fables/morality tales. As recently as this month also, I’ve decided to finally seize/begin my life long desire to truly read the bible – if nothing else, to say I’ve read it in its entirety (all too often I witness, and even engage in many “biblical” discussions, where no persons involved have actually devoured the text they(we) are defending/debating [note i dont say "spiritual" as these conversations directly regard what we know as "the bible"]). Reading all of this, however, I’ve come to discover a common thread, which I believe to be very important- and I’ve held (and hold) this very dear- concerning my arriving at this moment, my feelings in this moment, and the moment(s) that may follow:

~

(1) What you give out to the Universe [by the LAW(S) of the Universe] will return to you, PERMITTING you simply have faith in the truth of this universal law- and the patience to allow the Universe (some call time/fate/God – ‘..by any other name..’) to acknowledge your desire/intent- and manifest…

~

…I wish I could share to you, the MAGNITUDE of truth I’ve found in this, over this past year. It’s a tricky truth, a double-edged sword even- but no less true. We humans (as animals) are far from a patient or faithful breed, and we’ve too much ego and fear to remain consistent in this way, yet- the law still acts (should we allow it to) in our favor. The only time it doesnt favor us, is when our impatience and doubt gets the best of us- leading us to get in the way (or out of the way) of exactly what we’ve requested! Doubt itself (as I understand it currently) is really a bit like faith turned on its head, for to doubt that I can have/witness what I truly desire/need- is to strongly believe that i can’t have it, or worse even- it was never mine in the first place…so, try as I may to make things go my way- i dont believe they will, and become blind to all doors that will lead me, ultimately, into the direction I “mentally” have declared as “desired”… I mean well, I’ll still get there- but not until I believe and wait attentively…but I dont mean to declare myself as having mastered all doubt and impatience within my person yet…I’m just saying I’m noticing these things and getting excited about them… (things that I heard about via the message of Jesus since a child, but the world has a way of turning faithful children, into doubtful “adult-sized” babies- smh)

(i know, i know, i’m on that heavy shit…just had to share that with ya’ll- aint ya’ll realized by now I feel obligated to pass onto you the lessons i’ve learned? ..might help you someday [maybe even today *wink*])

Anyway, I said all that to say: If I were not careful – even with new possibilities on the horizon – I might’ve (still might actually- I still have a week or so until my new job) let my impatience, doubt, and outright childishness stand in the way of the universe’s natural will to respond to my intentions/desire. I mean hell, if we’re all of the same spiritual makeup/source (life/animation being the common current between us, the plants, the animals, the stars, and so on and so on)…why wouldnt I have a built in connection to all within my world? (could the “uni-” in universe stand for united??? *hmm*)

But it doesnt stop here: this also means, my fears/hate/all around negativity – by this same law- will manifest as long as i cling to it… (spooky huh? ..i like it. feel encouraged, challenged and inspired in the face of this it even). Perhaps this is why, in spite of my own destructive behavior…i am spared. Maybe my sparing/consideration of others- acts (in time, not to mention indirectly) in my benefit. Maybe I’m just prone to concentrate on when things dont go in my favor – which…may after all be because I dont operate in my own favor… hmmm *strokes chin*

(Yeah, I know…)

So I could go on and on.. (and I’m sure I will later) but I just wanted to share what are generally my final thoughts. Not only on this year, but also on my 24 years of life thus far. Never before, have I made “New Years Resolutions” (mostly because I doubted my ability to commit to them :eyeroll:) but I think I’ll make a couple -or at least on big on- for 2010…actually, no.. not just for 2010…thats not ambitions enough for me…let’s take it all the way..

i’ll leave you to ponder on what the ultimate resolution is..

(see you in the funny papers)

-sah

~

(music by the beatles -by way of- syreeta wright; ‘she’s leaving home‘)

you,
like her:
to save me “from the last”

shall come- until your heart, as well,
be moved, like days, to pass..

and all will be forgiven
and all will be for love

and on again
and on again

till all are one above

~

i
like him
to save you from the last

shall seem-to you, “some perfect new”,
till none is left to grasp..

and all will be forgotten
for all is all for love

and on again
and on again

till all are one above

~

we
like all
are hopelessly amused

by all we show,
to all we “know”,
of others we have use[d]

and all will seem for nothing
tho all is such, in love

and on again
and on again

till none, at all, are left…

~

[the end.]

~

-sah

~

(music by prince; ‘solo‘)

…i was just talkin 2 my friend about this brotha so i had 2 post this one…

~Van Hunt/Sincere Look of Pleasure~

(Unreleased)

tell me that aint ill.

-sah

…just..thank you. forever.

-sah

ugh.

“more horns pleez”

(that’s all i’ma say..)

[check here in the following days for the rest of the "story"]

-sah

~title taken from Mo Better Blues~

…i remember vividly (at a very young age, i might add) taking notes on the fresh prince of bel-air. it didnt take a genius to see that will smith (or at least, his character-of the same name) had a way with women. not me tho (…well as far as i knew)…i was a short, nerdy, goodie-two-shoes preacher’s kid with a girl’s last name. not exactly the type you saw on television with all the all the goods (and thusly- all the girls), so to me- it made sense to take note of the philly-raised prince. some of his lines i remember clear as day: “..girl i know your feet are tired, cuz you’ve been runnin through my mind ALL day..” i’d rehearse these lines to myself and then deliver them on a school bus to giggling girls -who probably recognized them just the same, but admired my intent. “lines” couldnt change the truth though, i knew nothing more than to be me. and even though that brought along an occasional crush- few of these registered, and all i knew is i wanted desperately to be “cool”.

fast forward to early-middle school and i was rarely without a “girlfriend”. still, you couldnt convince me i had much of a “pull” (i really dont know what it was/is but my self-image has always been so, and even as i’ve settled into my own skin- complements make me uncomfortable..but i suppose we’ll dig into that some other time). my sister, mother, grandmother (etc) teasingly called me “a mack” but i sincerely can’t express to you how far that was from how i felt…(…whatever, whatever…the beat goes on right?..)

8th grade. something happened that slowly developed into a trend. at the end of a church conference, my very first love wrote me a letter. immediately after this conference i would be leaving to stay down south with my family in alabama, and on my last day before the flight, my sweetheart was crying (come to think of it now, this was my first time seing a girl -i liked- cry- and i was visibly shaken).. actually, every “grown person” i knew at the conference was “sniffin me for sex” because EVERYBODY knew we were sweethearts, and here she was crying like i died. (mind you, this is all new to me- as far as i knew, i wasnt shit special). so.. i see her, she gives me her letter, and i’m alabama bound..

(..now the letter..*exhale*)

…i dont remember the letter verbatim, but i’d be lying if i said i didnt know where it was. it was written in red ink, and the only reason i still have it (and admittedly, every “love” letter i’ve ever received) is because i never believed it truly belonged to me…

..even now i feel funny typing about it..it’s weird (see: self-image, unworthiness-feeling..if i told u you’d think i was bullshitting *frown*..)

..so yeah, anyway…pretty much  the letter said that the week we shared together was the “best in her life” (we were pretty young, so im sure she’s enjoyed more since then lol). i was the “sweetest, most kind hearted..”...and so on, and so on…(i dont wanna dwell on that, cuz i dont feel right…giving myself all that..you know..)..anyway, the letter terrified me (dumb as that sounds) and as touched as i was (and as much as i felt for her), i truly couldnt figure out who she’d spent time with. surely not me.. i mean, by then i knew how to “talk” like i was “cool”..and no, i wasnt a dick (thats just not me, or who i wanted to be)..but the compliments in said letter just didnt “fit” me…i dunno..

..so, long story short..that relationship took the road most young relationships do. most of it (a year actually) was spent on the phone, and though we had one date (the mall on valentines, to see “she’s all that” -smh)…i ended the relationship because “i didnt feel the same anymore” (my mother swore it was some other girl, but i just grew tired of phone calls i guess..who cant relate to that right?) to this day we’re pretty cool, and she knows (or should know) more than anybody she stands as one of the sweetest, most loving women i know, and i consider it a blessing from God that my relationship life began with her (not that i imagine an 8th grade romance couldve gone any other way, but i still consider it’s end to be a sign of foolishness on my part- a feeling i’ve expressed to her countless times..much to her confusion i’m sure lol).

…now as the years moved on i was “blessed”(?) to have a girlfriend (or something like it) every following year..

(..i say “blessed” with a question mark, because i honestly dont attribute any of this to my being a smooth character or nothing, and i know now it wasnt the same for everyone…i was lucky i guess…my sister said its cuz i was “pretty”..but if i told you i could see where she drew that from, i’d be lying..i mean, i know better than to call myself ugly now…but back then…anyway..)

..usually the relationships would go the same way: we’d meet, grow close, and at some point she’s declare me almost (if not) “the one”. i never got it, but accepted that they seemed happy, and eventually some frivolous affair would bring our union to a close. sometimes me, sometimes them. but young relationships, being what they are, usually find their way to separation. by this point, admittedly, i was still taking notes on “smooth operators” and ladies-men, however, but with little to any awareness of its affect- because though i could find relationships, i couldnt keep them. so as far as i knew, my notes were faulty…and then came junior year…

junior year was interesting to say the least.  without divulging too much information, i found myself in interesting company: a friend of a friend became more than a friend and alot of things began to change. what we had was sex. in it’s most animal sense.  and though i was far from a virgin, i might as well have been because it was one of those dramatic awakenings you read about in romance novels. as far as i knew/know, for her it was the same, and there was rarely a moment we didn’t stink of teenage heat. and then came what comes with newly awakened youthful bodies… a screeching halt, provided by that of someone else..

..now at this point you couldn’t convince me this wasnt the love to end all loves. nothing in my past ever went quite as i’d desired, and it’s pretty hard to descend into too much petty argument when all you do is have sex. that instantaneous high is enough to make married folks forget their distaste for one another, so in the hands of two “newly mature” teenagers …i mean, all we’d known was stimulation beyond what either of us had as of yet experienced.  it was simply bliss. ..so next thing i know, someone else was in my bed (as dru hill sang), and there was nothing i could do about it.

now while there’s no guarantee that i’d never been cheated on before, i’d never found out (nod to her actually for telling me, cuz i might not have known… whether she knows it or not, i honor her for that, despite all else). i mean, i certainly hadn’t cheated on anyone. i’d ended previous relationships in anticipation of others (nothing i’m proud of), but i definitely hadnt cheated, so my biggest upset was that this person -who claimed to be my friend- couldnt just “cut me off” (though i know now its not that simple for most people). we wrestled with the aftertaste of “two who dont really want to separate” for awhile (longer than whats logical, im sure), but in the end i couldnt figure how i would be able to trust her. meanwhile, unknown to me at the time, i was becoming cold. ice cold? no…but cold enough to walk right into the arms of another woman not unlike the last (her friend to be exact), and not to belittle what we had or shared, but i’m sure you can all guess how that one ended…(i barely allowed it to evolve any other way honestly, so i blame her for nothing- i was begging to be used)..

…so by now, despite my own role in these matters (of which i was hardly aware) all i could gather was this: i was absolutely, 100% willing to lay myself down in the name of love for whoever caught my fancy. every (and i mean every) girl i did involve myself with, usually declared with all sincerity that i was “the man of their dreams” ..yet, it was never enough for either of us to stay happy… and in the two most recent situations- surely not enough to keep them from other men (even those as close as my inner circle, as one situation revealed..but i take all blame for that, i had enough coming back to me by then- unaware or not)..

i didnt get it.

how could i be this great “dream-boyfriend” and yet still come up short? (i mean, i had countless letters that all but sounded identical, but they couldnt be right- cuz all of the authors were long gone). it enraged me, but only below the surface. i never resolved to hate women (i couldnt), but i fell into a deep depression and became obsessed with the idea of never suffering the same fate again. i would be better. too good to give-up. too desirable to dis-respect (ie: cheat on). it would have to be unconscionable to leave me. or at least…if they did it wouldnt hurt anymore… at least not that much..

..i think..(no…i know)..to some degree, i’d hoped to get the last one back. i kept her picture on my dorm room wall (now in alabama) and literally began to plot out graphs examining the curve of all my past relationships. i wanted to discover patterns and (what should’ve been) “signs” [go head and laugh]. i sought books on psychology, behavioral science, body language, handwriting, the history of seduction (all while cutting class, of course smh) and devoured them, not only to arm myself for the future, but also to understand the past. looking back on it now, i think i intended to meet the last one who “wronged” me and make her want me again- moreso than to apply any of this to any new parties. i denied all interested women who came around me (…much to their confusion im sure), but it was mostly because i didnt believe they deserved to get sucked up into my “maddness”. i enjoyed their company, and was still honest enough to tell them what i thought of them when they asked (insert mixed signals), but for at least 2 years i refused to consummate any budding attraction.

..so 2 years becomes 5 years (excuse me as i breeze over details- i do it only to spare you, not because what followed wasn’t important to me)..and though i did resolve to start having sex again ( and you wouldnt have? ), i denied all possibility of committing to another “official” relationship. i did this for two reasons: firstly, i didnt see how it made a difference. i mean those who were unable to commit to me- wouldnt, regardless of our commitment… and my 2 years denying myself (and others) everything, taught me that  women who really wanted to be with me wouldnt go anywhere anyway. also, i was still caught up over my last 2 relationships- and hadnt the slightest idea whether i cared to commit my damn self. though i cared enough not to bring someone into a declaredly “committed” situation, i wasnt too sure i believed in them anymore. for all i knew, i’d cheat on them if i had the chance, so since i knew i couldnt promise it to anyone- i wouldn’t. i wouldnt even let it get that far. so everything was- exactly what it was:

..if you wanted to “roll” with me in this “life” thing? you were welcome.. but i promised you nothing (nor did i internalize your promises). if you were afraid to have sex with me in such an ambivalent environment? fine. if you did want to have sex? even better (believe it or not, i was never the “beat for sex” type- i preferred romance [still do] so i wasnt gonna cry if you werent giving me none, i had bigger fish to fry). as i saw it, we would go on as we would and you would either stay or leave (or i would), but either way we would experience whatever was entitled to us, and go on our merry ways… this lasted for about 3 more years, until i met someone who i saw as “worthy of a chance”. of course, that ended (which leads to where i am now), but before i even got to that point (ie: my last relationship) nothing was off limits to me.. i didnt care if you had a man or not (hell, i was someones boyfriend once[twice] and she didnt care). somehow i believed: if your love for him was true…i couldnt take you from him anyway..

..now mind you, up until this point (still pre-mostrecent-relationship)…i’m acting off of my last two disastrous affairs. and though i intended to meet them again and “settle the score”…it never happened. so now, all i knew was signs and science- and i saw fit to use them where i may…i was armed for warfare, with no war. but again…(even though i thought i knew a great deal)…i was relatively unaware. you couldnt convince me there wasnt a “war” to fight…cuz there was… the war i was fighting was against attacks pre-destined. ie: before you deliver the blow, i’ve already changed stance in anticipation..two steps ahead of ya..

~

…so its been months since my last relationship ended (we are speaking present-tense now) and (again, without divulging certain information) events take place which lead me to the realization of what i’ve now become.  before i know it, i’m drawing up “plans to dodge loneliness”- and as i stop to consider the toll, i discover loose ends…all with unexpectant hearts attached to them, en route to being hurt. and while pain is an inevitability in matters of the heart..this time i would most certainly be the inflicter of pain. to everyone. and whats more is: when i stood back…all that i was now entertaining were things i years ago would’ve never even stopped to consider. what was once “detestable” in my sight (things i lamented others had done to me- usury, manipulation, inconsideration) was now worth consideration somehow! ..and how long had it been this way? (i know the effect of this is all muted as i have left out specifics, but whatever…im writing this moreso for me)

whereas i had begun this re-assessment/arrangement of self with means to protect myself from “monsters” (manipulative lovers, cheating hearts), i was now a monster myself, with none to fight. leaving me to prey on unsuspecting victims (should they give me the chance…), even though it was never my original intention… but by now it was an unconscious habit…

…and what of the two in my past who i sought to “even scores” with? if kind attracts kind, then maybe i can no longer declare them thieves (of my heart). was i always playing this game, though i saw myself as innocent? which one of us was the theif anyway? maybe im not as innocent as i thought?… for awhile i would question aloud whether i was the “good guy” or the “bad guy” but- all things considered- only a “bad guy” would see a “taken” someone as fair game…and how many times had i considered taking that which was already taken?

…maybe it wasnt just the need to “right the wrongs” of my past “users”…maybe i envied them… their calmness…their ability to “get one over” on me…i felt weak in their presence (i dont anymore, but did then)…and they, seemed to become stronger in their absence... able to (seemingly) care nothing of my broken heart..

…maybe i never really wanted to “get them back”…maybe i just wanted their power…i wanted to be them…

so it would seem that’s what i became…

..now, i wasnt off just “fucking everything that came my way” (that was never my style)…but how far was i from that? …by this point, more than one woman i’d met (who barely knew me) …identified me (with great assurance) as “a whore”…i knew i wasn’t one (again, i dont stick my dick in every open entrance), and maybe they said this moreso out of fear for what i could get away with… but they didnt just pull it out of thin air…they saw something…

…i’d also hear words like “you’re dangerous” often..and all of this was new to me…

“me? dangerous?!” ..not me…shit, im worried about danger m’damn self… (so worried i have a plan…)

and thats the issue..

Seduction is an addictive game. charm. finesse. tact. skill. heightened awareness… it’s like a chess game. and even though i never intended to steal hearts with it, i now know i can. (shit, maybe i already have…) so, i know i dont want to be to others, what past lovers were to me…but again now i know i can…just because one can doesnt mean one should however…and i know i dont want to..

…but..i’d be lying if i said i couldnt now recognize “entry points”…”points of weakness”…”signs of infatuation”…and so on, and what-have-you… (i dont know how much of this is making sense..)…see i didn’t notice these things before…or rather, i didnt know what to do with them…but i do now…and i’ve used it to effectively keep people, i dont want to leave, around…

(…i feel like im talking in circles…)

…i spoke with a friend recently about this..one who “knows what she knows” for lack of a better phrase (a retired seducer, if you will)…and she says:

“…just keep to yourself…take time to figure yourself out”

and i say..

“…but thats what the 5 years was for..”

“..well, they didnt work…so do it again…”

“…but what happens when girls come around, as they have before, and i know they’ll get caught up, and i know my habits now?…i dont wanna hurt nobody..”

“…so dont do nothing…”

“…but i dont be doin anything!..i just be tryna be a friend!…and next thing i know, im getting pushed up against the wall…and…”

“…just leave it alone…”

“…but ya’ll be beggin for it tho smh..”

“…i know lol…especially when you aint solely after the pussy…but be good tho..dont even tease it…”

“…aint that bout a bitch!…well what the fuck am i supposed to do then?…i aint no athlete!…”

“..lol i dont know..just be good sah …”

(…after this of course, she flirted with me and told me “you know you want me”…smh)

~

..so where do i go from here you ask?…well i was wonderin the same damn thing… :-/

…hell, this blog prob dont make no sense no more…let’s just say: i think i found out i’m a bad guy now… but i dont want to be one…but.. i kinda like it tho…i mean well, enough to know…when i’m backed into a corner…

shit..

well, what now then?

oh…that’s right…you dont know either…

damn.

-sah

a graph showing the rise of digital music in the last few years..

the revolution is now.

-sah

once again…

Episode 6: Spike Lee on Tyler Perry/Russell Simmons on Bill Cosby/Rihanna & Chris Brown/ Beans vs Jay-Z/ Loyalty and Responsiblity in the Rap Game…

Panel: @JodyChocolate , @iamsundae

…and new guest

@piphblu

(featured on- “Blessed” from Back Where the Pain Is II)

==================================================

-Spike Lee on Tyler Perry (17:33) [original link]

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-Russell Simmons on Bill Cosby (17:33) [original link]

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-Rihanna & Chris Brown (14:43) [original link]

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-Beans vs Jay-Z (30:17) [original link]

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Bonus: Loyalty and Responsiblity

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thanks for listening! feel free to share your thoughts…

-sah