Rules of Romance – Entry 002: Fuck Everything (The End as we Knew It)

Ok.

Not that you asked, but my most recent relationship ended a fews weeks before my birthday.  I’m the one who ended it. Today is the 26th of Nov, so it’s safe to say its been at least 5 months and more than likely 6. As is custom in my life, I found a convenient excuse to leave – based on genuine concerns  but an excuse none the less – and left before our true potential could be discovered. Same old song- you know it well:

Boy meets girl. Girl tells boy he’s “bad news”. Boy proves her right by failing to commit in one of many historical ways.

They live Miserably.Ever.After.

THE END.

Got it? Good.

~

Now —> here’s the reason..: When I was with her, although without a complaint in the world, I was distressed to discover I was still attracted to and curious about other women (spare me the “duh’s” ..i know better now, but at the time I wanted to believe that that kind of thing went away). Not that it excuses my poor choices, but I was concerned enough about the importance of commitment to not want to falsely commit to her (which I’d clearly already done) and sought to remove myself from the scenario before things were made worse (see: actual physical infidelity).  I consulted a few people and concluded the best thing to do if I really liked her was leave. In the process I hurt her just the same- and as I tried to “let her down easy”, she took matters (read: my cellphone) into her own hands, and resolved never to trust me again. Sad but true. But which one of us is surprised? right. me neither…

Fast Forward to now.

In the time since our split I’ve had a bevy of experiences, followed by many intense revelations (not only about this particular relationship, but how I relate in particular) and came to the sudden conclusion that my desire to “play games” (or even “play THE game”) has all but waned completely by this point in my life.  Not “This point” as in “now that we’re no longer together, and i can see the error in my ways“, but “this point” as in “me at 26: beginning June, 14, 2011“

This should come as no surprise to anyone who’s been following my blog/twitter/song/whatever this year, least of all me. Especially seeing as “letting go of the facade” has been THE theme of my interactions with just about everything I’ve come into contact with:

-i quit playing games with my career, by leaving my job to focus on my creativity/livelihood

-i quit playing games with my passion, by stepping fully and soberly into the full responsibility of my success beyond any delusional aspirations/dreams.

-i quit playing games with my health, by taking the initial steps of quitting smoking, changing my diet, being more proactive about doctor visits, exercise ect.

I’ve been systematically destroying every notion of the old me to make way for the new- and now..the next thing  in line (my attitude about women and my relationship with them) is on its way out, although its been the most difficult part of me to release- and in doing so I’ve caused the most collateral damage.

As I get older I notice things about myself. One thing that is undeniably true is that I refuse to learn my lessons simply. I tend to use the back door and knock over every dish I can in the process. Strangely enough I’m noticing this benefits me in at least one way: when surveying the mess in an attempt to clean up afterwards- my attention to detail causes me to soak of every single point that can be made or retracted from the situation. Not saying this justifies makes such a mess of things, but for whatever reason- this is how I learn. All of this causes me to grow in short, sporadic leaps or bounds- seemingly out of nowhere, and in response to what (to others) would be the most simple experience. Its like I knock over a plate.. watch it shatter..and my brain immediately starts analyzing and calculating the deep internal truth of every shattered fragment, until i’m possessed by a million truths- meanwhile, the guy next to me goes “..um, you know thats just a plate right?..fuck is wrong with this guy.. *waves hand over locked gaze*”

9 out of 10 people i meet are that guy. Including the women I date.

~

The thing I’ve heard the most in my life is “take it easy,  matt”. From everyone. girlfriends, to parents, to complete strangers, to little cousins. Everyone. And I know its true but its isolating. As much as I wish I could turn this off, I cant. And the longer I spend on this planet the less faithful I am that I will find someone who understands this, even as I find many who want to understand. I feel like an alien often. (But thats not what this blog is about..)

So anyway.. 

There comes a point in a mans life (no, really).. where your whole attitude about this shit shifts. Its insane (to us). I was talking to a friend about a similar thing, and we were both marveling at what our hearts were now screaming (Fortunately for him he didnt destroy a full kitchen set in the process of coming to this truth lol.) You find yourself in this weird place where the “game” that once ordered your interactions, the code we all claim to “live” by, holds no thrill for you any longer. Not a drop. You KNOW you’re not ready for marriage but you think about deeper commitment way more often than you care to admit, and (allow me to emphasize by redundance) the wine that once quenched you: has absolutely. no. taste. at all.

You know the game well, its rules, its guidelines, but you begin to understand how the only purpose of the game was to “protect” (see: PREVENT) you (male and female) from ever truly experiencing true intimacy- and you refuse to lie about/with it any longer. True intimacy requires an obscene level of vulnerability and commitment in the face of human frailty that most of us are not prepared for on both levels. We dont REALLY want to commit (this requires: empathy, forgiveness, loyalty, discipline, among other things), and we for damn sure dont want to be truly vulnerable- for in that very moment, we open ourselves up to every blow that may come our way, and this demands we exercise a trust and faith in our partner that we simply refuse to have PERIOD (let alone in relationships) because it insists that we let go of formulaic logic*

*note: I do not believe you have to let go of ALL sense to be in love, but I am considering that to be truly IN love is to “let the fuck go and trust for the sake of trusting”… if not in your partner, then in God who oversees the whole thang.

So yeah…we aint bout that… not the majority at least..and this is what makes it such a tricky world for lovers to navigate…

But lets go back to exposing this whole game theory…

~

So it goes like this. Before my pivotal heartbreak (you know the one: where you resolve never to be “a fool” again?) I placed all my energy (too much?) into being the best boyfriend I could be. I damn sure didnt have it down but I did put alot of effort into it, definitely more then most guys my age. I fall in love. She cheats (forgiven). And this is where “the game” kicks in. (Ive written many previous blogs/songs/you name it about this situation)

All of a sudden, I resolve to never be fooled again, and not only that…I resolve to never reveal my true self again. Its a natural reaction really. If i punch you in your gut, your body will instinctively cave over to protect that very area. Your heart is the same. Once somebody truly gets in. Touches the core. and causes the slightest fraction of pain, we tend to lock the fuck down. And every relationship after that I began half heartedly. But not even that, I began to give less of a fuck about my person, and anyone who knows the full story of my experience with women knows its true. I remember saying to myself “well the woman I love doesnt love me, so why should I care..about anything..” and I began to walk right into the very situations that were only gonna hurt me even more (not saying everyone does that last part). My drug intake increased. I became careless spiritually. And I OD’d on game, because game was what the world claimed would protect me from hurt again..

but dig this..

~

so I get into a relationship in my mid 20s..with another woman in her mid 20s. I’ve had X amount of experiences, as had she. X amount of reasons to convince us that our respective guards best stay up or all existence be damned. Beautiful. we both enter into the relationship, guided by paranoia and suspicion. Arms up. WE ENTER INTO “LOVE” LIKE A FIGHT.

To cope with the paranoia and suspicion, and get out with “as much clothes on as possible” we follow the code of the game as discussed countless nights before arriving in said relationship. Men discuss it. Women discuss it. “this is what ya gotta do..this is how you get him/her to get in line… pimp, mack, player, G, keep him in pocket, keep her in place, dog, bitch, hoe, manwhore..” you get it.

Eventually (and for some more than others) the gaurd comes down, considerably- but never fully. Without a full gaurd down, true INTIMACY is impossible. We settle for fake intimacy (see: sex) and will eventually wonder why this still refuses to fully satisfy/deliver the goods. Without full satisfaction – that which we eternally seek (true intimacy)- its like a ticking bomb

{*insert elbow nudge by God* psst.. you guys are still guarding your HEARTS..i cant feed a closed mouth///we reply/// shut up God..pain hurts, and i figured out how to stop it. I know what im doing}

The relationship eventually breaks, one person caves in -if not both. Completely clueless as to why euphoria hasnt been delivered, and intent of discovering the truth- usually outside of the relationship..

[this is where many women would interject and say men do it the most. I dont know the stats, but sure, whatever (i mean this is the case in my past relationship). So congratulations to women i guess. This means you have absolutely no work to do, because you always let your gaurd fully down right? sure. ]

…and for however far you did in fact allow your guard to be lowered. you feel pain. and it feels familiar. and you curse the heavens and yourself for having known better. AND YOU IMMEDIATELY ASSUME YOU HAVENT PLAYED THE “GAME” RIGHT

Women will consult women. Men will consult men. Many will consult both. and countless answers will begin with “what you shouldve done was..” but NONE of them will end with “..believe that God has something in store for you, but its gonna require you to let go of the rules THAT HAVE ONLY BEEN ESTABLISHED TO PREVENT YOU FROM FEELING ANYTHING”

and from this experience, both of us (man and woman) ultimately go into the next relationship with an even stronger resolve than before. Perhaps not all of us, but even for those of us who dont, we’ve added an extra layer of cement to our fortress.  And this is what stresses me the most.

~

In my relationship I refused to trust that myself and my woman could handle my fears about commitment (she had some too, but we didnt get to the point of discussing them. her lips have always been more sealed. i tend to run my mouth/tell on myself and ruin everything. kudos to her lol ). I had no faith in her, myself, OR God. So I sought to handle it by the rules of the game. Looking for true intimacy IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. Following the rules of the game thusfar, had gotten me to that very point. Even to where I insisted upon having a woman on standby [GAME], believing that it would lessen any pain that would come my way, and act as a shield [PREVENT] from me opening up fully. I understood that I liked her enough that I wanted to believe that we could one day have the real thing, but I refused to do what it took (i didnt even KNOW what it required). I began the process of leaving.

She, in the midst of all this, discovers that I have not fully committed [LET MY GUARD DOWN] and feels justified in her paranoia and suspicion [REACTION TO GAME] and resolves to put her guard [NEVER FULLY LET DOWN EITHER] back up, believing this will protect [PREVENT] her from having to feel anything anymore..

*note= all pain is necessary for growth. and we both know this. but it still hurts..so we do what we know best..

Every conversation we have after this point, is behind textbooks of game. Every answer researched, to find meaning beneath meaning- and every response targeted..according to the game that we insist MUST be played. Hers and Mine.

Protecting the heart (or so we claim) and all were really doing is blocking a flower from the Son..i mean ..sun.

So. Having dug myself deep into it. I do what the game demands and immediately go about the process of trying to distract myself from what I truly feel by involving myself with other women. But I’m beginning to suspect that none of this is really doing anything for me, and as time goes on, it becomes more than a suspicion. In fact, it flat out stops working. (I could share examples but I’ll spare you. Just trust that I tried avoiding the truth so hard, that God put up a brick wall- and used me to remove everyone else from my life since I would NOT remove myself)

I wake up. I see it for what it is.

It would appear that all of us distract ourselves from previous pain by supplementing it with new situations in which we resolve MORE THAN ANYTHING to NOT trust- which by design blocks our access to that which we truly seek (intimacy) and leaves us no other outcome but more pain. We diagnose and treat the ruins of fraudulent intimacy with more fraudulent intimacy [GAME]. And the cycle continues.  Only to be disrupted by activated, living, breathing faith- which is apparently the hardest fucking thing for a human being to sustain.

And around and around we go.

I’ve been doing this since HS. Every relationship (with the exception of this current one, by sheer virtue of the revelation attached), a duplication of the previous. Special in their own right- but all inhibited by false intimacy (on my part if not arguably both), and guided by the rules of GAME. Even to the point where every relationship after high school (only two to be “official”) began with my insistence that I wasnt ready (read: scared).

At this point (once I see all this)..I begin to wonder if it hasnt been too late, and there is still a glimer of hope in that my last relationship (again, not that long ago- not even a year) can be salvaged, and renewed with true intimacy. But that shit only happens in movies.

~

After speaking to my younger cousins 2 nights ago..something new sinks in. One was listening mostly (and I was mostly encouraging him to continue trust his heart/avoid game, like i adamantly refused to do the older I got), and the other was listening to my situation and attempting to shed light. In short? her suggestion was to PLAY “the game”. And as fucked up as it sounds I felt sad for her. I understood why she insisted upon this (I told her as well, less then a year ago I’d agree wholeheartedly), but I couldnt get her to understand that (FROM MY PERSPECTIVE) the so-called “Game” produced no beneficial outcome in the long run. Sure it prevented people from feeling the necessary emotional pain that comes with being alive.. but only for a short while..and since when do we applaud ourselves at being champions of avoiding pain? (or not “since when” lol we’ve been doing this since adam- but why?).

Anyway tho, she told me that my most recent girlfriend was more than likely playing the game, and my only choice was to play along.

And she was right.

Not that my only choice was to play along (even if it was I CANT ANYMORE, and dont want to even tho i technically “can”), but my ex- who I’d been trying to share my revelation with.. WAS playing the game. And I knew it. I’d called her on it before, but who the fuck am I?

I wanted to scream to her “..THIS ISNT GOING TO HELP YOU!!! STOP IT ASAP!” but I refused to accept the momentum of all this. My very actions caused her to recommit herself to game/guard/protection/prevention – AT LEAST when it involves me- in the first place. So everything she heard leave my mouth would be seen AS game and who could blame her? I sealed my own coffin in that respect.

(no true spiritual progress without sacrifice. EVER.)

Just like I’ve learned I have no say in when my artist friends forfeit or commit their lives FULLY to art (its that personal, and that heavy a shift in consciousness), the same can be said about this whole game shit.  Sure I love her enough to want to “warn” her (and im egotistical enough to want to explore the true nature of intimacy with her), but its not my place/right.

and not only that- she’s made it abundantly clear that she’s not interested in all that for real for real just yet. Conceptually? sure.. we all like the sound of it, but how many of us TRULY want to exercise our faith at the expense of extreme vulnerability? (in our case dualy so cuz it would require her to trust somebody who she experienced pain with… lol that shit aint happenin)

Hell I only just now became interested in that level of investment. And even then I have no experience truly practicing it (and am statistically at a short of people to truly practice it with).

~

Anyway (i know i know.. this blog is long as fuck and reading sucks balls)

Now that I can accept she’ll never trust me again (does she have any valid reason to?) – and that alone consigns whatever we could have to remaining half-hearted and gamey. At least on her part, which would  only result in me returning to the same cuz im still an infant as far as this shit is concerned- and i dont want any part of that fake shit anymore…the question becomes whats next?

I see the game for what it is now and it disgusts a growing portion of me (admittedly, in my immature moments, my mind tries to talk me back into it but fails miserably). And furthermore I’m beginning to sense who’s still buying into game theory, BUT NOT who’s not (because how would I know? this is all new to me). All of us claim we want more, but few of us work for it. And the world is perfectly poised to encourage the same damn thing…

-get drunk

-get high

-eat

-watch porn

-smoke

-watch tv

-stimulate, simtulate, stimulate

PLAY THE FUCKING GAME

I’ve considered abstinence for a while (tried earlier this year..lasted a month) and have for years been avoiding the option of forcing myself to cut off all interactions (kinda like a relationship fast), so i may just end up doing that but truth is i like many others am terrified of being alone, and comfortable avoiding this. I’ve thought about dating without sex, but it would take a special kind of woman for that to go ANYWHERE, and again.. i’m terrified.

Anyway. thats not for any of you to figure out, and I’ll know soon enough. But this game shit is dead (or dying) to me and its crazy because I had pretty much dedicated myself to it. Not to harm others, but to “protect” [PREVENT] myself (which harmed others, and myself anyway). I have NO idea what comes next. I apparently cant take anyone with me (or rather I doubt I can), especially if it already has a foundation in game. And I’m really not interested in anything new, because the world is over-saturated with game players. AND WHO COULD BLAME THEM?

So I feel locked. I’m not interested the game solution. and true intimacy requires living, breathing faith..which damn near NO one has in this world (this is why we marvel at the prophets).

I’m sure God wont let me down but its like.. wow.

and none of this stops me from missing her! lol even as I know we cant have what I want to desperately believe we can. It’s a natural reaction, even if she IS past it (or committed to move past it) all. Technically I just have to ride this shit out lol (big surprise) and take it as a necessary L that came with learning the truth about all this.

Strange times indeed. 2012 is gonna be beautifully weird.

Cant go backwards tho.

-Sah

sb- someone (if not multiple someone’s) are reading this and saying stupid shit to themselves like “she won”. If thats you? you need to read this whole shit over again, and I’m not even gonna tell you why. its hard enough for me to write shit like this, knowing damn well how it will be read … whatevers whatever tho- God’s will is sufficient, and you know damn well in your heart i aint got shit but love for you. messy ass, misdirected, painful all over the place, gemini love sure. but it aint like i want you to hurt.